| Wednesday, January 4th, 2006 |
| 9:50 pm |
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| Monday, August 29th, 2005 |
| 5:05 pm |
Sorry Charlie -My Journal is friends only..
Leave a comment and i might let you look!! |
| Saturday, July 23rd, 2005 |
| 3:31 pm |
Isaac i understand your frustration with me....But its my choice.... |
| Tuesday, July 19th, 2005 |
| 1:07 pm |
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| 2:12 am |
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| 1:40 am |
Free of all things rendered "perfect"-
Halfway tempted to infiltrate your self sufficient mind with disrespect twards another- I'm halfway to the bottom of whatever i am desperate to find-and i want to fuck with your mind- Be Satisfied- Anticipating? Why are you waiting? I'm off to kill the children with lessons of this life Are you ready for this responsibility? So now lead me to the bed of flames and i swear i won't ever speak-I will burn with a smile and happily watch you leave- Just make sure you tie the loose ends and peacefully make amends.. lay the flowers in order and make sure you run....never look back! Run as fast as you can and remember love is a waste of time- Be satisfied- Current Mood: Happy ..your mood: shocked |
| 12:03 am |
Desperate to find my sanity without the "little blue pills' " help
Oh my fucking Savior~ If ever for a second i doubted the existence of a spiritual realm- i no longer doubt it....NOT THAT I BELIEVE IN GOD OR ANYTHING...so take all of your religious psycho-babble and shove it...
Hmm what to say about this weekend~ It was not what i expected....
Nor would i do it again........When i hear the word "RAVE" i initially think big area with many stages-Lots of sweaty people who are fucked up royally-
Yeah i am aware that in ten years i will look back on these years and laugh at my utter stupidity..But live for the second you are in....Currently i am happy...I love having Linzi and me moments....What people don't realize is that when it is just us we are different...We think sooooo much alike..Yet i play the dumb blonde(okay sometimes i "Play" but i really can be dumb)...Shocking how difficult it becomes to literate myself as the heat swells...
Linzi and i were terrified after watching the documentary on M. Night Shymalan..We decided to shut and lock every window and door in the house..Hence the fact that we are dying of heat stroke and i am officially illiterate...
Current Mood: We are swelteringCurrent Music: Jem- "24 hours" |
| Saturday, July 16th, 2005 |
| 8:02 am |
Watch This
Oh my God i am so excited that i am shaking....And smiling...My mother can't figure it out...(Yes i'm at my parents house)..I just got my paycheck so WE HAVE MONEY LINZI!!! Three days of a continual party....Meriahs Going(my beautiful ex-that i am still friends with)....I bought some of my clothes yesterday...But today ALL OF THE RAVER CRAZINESS BEGINS....I haven't been to an actual rave in over a year and a half..And whether i can remember anything from that night is relative....YEAH FOR L.S.D....!! Heh Zack lets drive to Mexico and pull a Pablo Escabar next weekend... OH SHIT...WAIT A SECOND GUYS...I HAVE TO STAY CLEAN AT THIS RAVE...NO ACID!!OH ---MY BONER JUST DE-BONAFIED!!....shit Current Mood: In total RemCurrent Music: Social Enemies-Orgy |
| 12:30 am |
SO EXCITED FOR THE RAVE TOMORROW..IT'S GOING TO BE FUCKING AWSOME!! |
| Friday, July 15th, 2005 |
| 1:15 pm |
Welcome to the winter of my discontent!!
Actually i must profess i had an AMAZING day yesterday..It was one of those do nothing-but meet people kind of days..I started out the morning as an emotional wreck..But ended it on quite a fine note....So i'll start with Doc...I met him in the Harbor..I've seen him around and Told Linzi about him..But i just learned his name..And yes that is his real name..He looks like he should be a Cali-for-niaaa surfer boy-but he has mad mad style..Oh god he is awsome..We talked for 45 minutes about our lives...He moved out when he was 17 and lives with his 16 YEAR OLD LESBIAN SISTER!!!-His Grandpa(who raised him helped pioneer skateboarding..and get this..his real name is Olley...So cool) So then I was on the bus and i woke up right before I got to T.C.C.. i looked out the window and there with a hum-on-gous slurpee in hand was Jon..Or LAN as Linzi knows him...He is so adorable..And yes he has awsome style too...And the last person i talked to last night really helped me change my out look on life..I've lived with Crow (kyle)for a month now.or should i say he has lived with me..But i've never really talked to him..I would bitch him out but i had no intentions of ever getting to know him...And i figured out why i treat him so bad..HE REMINDS ME OF COREY...I told him about me and Corey..Stuff i've never told anyone before..And he in return did the same..He told me things his girlfriend(Jill)(Yes Linzi the cool one)didn't even know about him.... Wow i'm beginning to understand that life is a very complex game...You initially win or lose..I have lost so much because i never really had a desire to win..I met my soulmate on a bus..I lost him to Heroin...(I LOST)...I met the person i wanted to spend forever with but i screwed it up because of my shitty choices(I LOST)-so now i am going to win..I woke up with a smile on my face..Not because i found a new guy..or because i got high..I'm finding myself in this shithole of a life and i am proud of my decisions,,They all will lead somewhere..I just hope someone waits for me during my journey..And i hope that person knows i will be worth the wait! Current Mood: content with myselfCurrent Music: Bush...Sixteen Stone |
| Thursday, July 14th, 2005 |
| 12:40 pm |
Part of me wishes i could remove my mask..But i like to play make believe..
It goes like this Jordan is bored-Jordan is Lonley -So Jordan puts everything that could possiably remind her that she is imperfect and puts it in a box...Do you ever wonder why i have so many boxes in my room? That is why..I store my problems in little boxes with little labels and very powerful memories...Meriah has a box-Karl had a box (before i burned it -litterally)-Darren had a box..(a very very small one)...And yes yes even Jake now has a box...I must say it really brings me closure to never have to look at products of a rather perfect five seconds of my life- Heh LEANNE-Do you think mermaids could possiably have more than one life..I dunno maybe like a cat or something?-That would seemingly make since..I guess... I'm at work so i have to go.....but Lindsey i will give my address later k? Linzi i love you! Zack i know you called~I will call you back in this lifetime i promise Current Mood: Tired of feeling like shitCurrent Music: Chevelle... |
| Wednesday, July 13th, 2005 |
| 12:44 pm |
Oh Yeah and for the record all of my aformentioned plans is excactly why a could not date Nick...I think he would Go with me by like G.P.S. or something..I'd be looking at castles and he'd be watching them at home on the discovery channel..God i am soo sick of guys without personalities..Okay i take that back..Nick is gorgeous .but our personalities totally would never work..I have to have adventure..I have to have nature..Not the city and his computer.. Isaac thank you for caring..I don't really plan on hurting myself..I made a promise to someone in my past that i would never do that again..And i fully plan to stick by that plan...But you can always be my Band Aid.. Current Mood: going back into the hell holeCurrent Music: Nikelback...The long road |
| 12:32 pm |
I'm at work(i'm on lunch)..but i figure eating is a lost cause anyways...so i figured out what i want to do...I want to go backpacking across Germany...I was talking to this awsome chick at the coffee shop and she was telling me how she went all over Europe in three months..I figure if i'm going to move to New York and live in an old renovated wearhouse i should at least see nature and my mother country first...Lindsey I am soooo excited for you to come back from Bankok..We are going to go Raving at the Meltdown for sure!!!...Anyways...I gotta go..Back to work Current Mood: BUSY |
| Tuesday, July 12th, 2005 |
| 11:17 am |
I spent hours last night thinking...After linzi went to sleep i couldn't help it...I am so angry and i genuinely don't have a reason to be....I DON'T FUCKING LIKE NICK OLSEN!!..I just want to use everyone...I thought i was over this part of me..I thought i was satisfied with being alone..But alas i fear my conscience is too small and my ego far too big....I just want to feel the way i did a month ago..I want to be satisfied...But do you or i really believe that i will be content having one-night-stands?..No they leave me feeling even more empty...And i do not want to drag anymore of this Linzi-Liked-This-Guy-So-Now-Jordan-Is-Go ing-To-Be-A-Little-Slut-With-Them...thin g...Linzi i really meant what i said in the car..It tears you up to see me hurt myself both physically and emotionally...i am aware that i need help..I am trying..Giving up Drugs and drinking is the hardest part for me..I so badly just want to give in to my weakness and drown out my sorrows with the pills...But i made a promise to you and Header..I will not break it..So today i am taking everything that reminded me of a certain someone and putting it a box.(including the shirt)..I am once again putting my pain aside and moving on..But i will look back..I have too..Because i still cry-and i still feel a burning hole desperately seeking someone...This is how i know i am human...But believe me- i question that statement at least once a day.... Current Mood: Getting better on my ownCurrent Music: Finger Eleven... |
| 2:12 am |
See i'm laughing..Proof that i can be a happy person!! Current Mood: Temporarily amused |
| 1:55 am |
I'm not your friend!!!!Come any closer and i will kill you with my eyes..
I feel biterness swelling...I'm taking these bounding leaps twards insanity...I remember when i could shamlessly fuck people over and i am quickly returning to that place...Linzi please warn Nick that once he trusts me i will only use him!!Yes i am still at linzi's house..as i have been for the last couple of days..And for the record Nick you are a shitty kisser...See See Linzi I am so not letting this happen again..Please save me from myself..I'm about to go slit my wrists..I took all my failures and turned them into anger..Now i have a shameless raging fire inside that really can be directed twards no one but me...But watch me burn his soul into the ground...Stop me Linz..I am begging you..Make up lies..Do whatever it takes to save your friend..because you know me well..I will kill him emotionally to make my seething anger fade by the millemeter..And he really is a nice guy,,i just don't want to hurt anybody else..at least the sane part of me doesn't... Header and Doug just need to spoon already..God you guys are pathetic..In a very entertaining kind of way!! Zack...You know me too.....I yuv yoooo... |
| Monday, July 11th, 2005 |
| 8:59 pm |
"Women like you-make guys like us homcidal assholes"-quote to Linzi and I from my roommate kyle
I'm doing it again...resorting back to the "i just don't give a fuck mentality". I don't feel anything twards the guys i kiss..and i must admit out of the thirty-plus people i have made out with maybe four actually meant something....I'm beginning to believe i will never step foot out of this pattern...I must admit it was funny to wake up to Nick staring at me and Linzi and Daylon with their arms wrapped around eachother -sleeping on the bed...The funny thing is until somebody reminds me that i've kissed him he grosses me out...NOT TO SAY HE IS NOT CUTE...but after my last relationship-i am dead to emotion...I feel like caring about somebody means nothing....Because you believe that that person is returning the feelings....but they aren't...I guess i am categorizing my last relationship like all of the others so i can simply forget it...It burned when Header said "you guys will get back togeather"...because i know its not true..I know she said it jokingly...but i've let ALL hope die...But as i sat on the grass in Seattle with Nick and Linzi today i couldn't help but feel bad ...We even parked in the same fucking spot in the same fucking parking lot as Folklife....i'm becoming bitter..yet i was the one in the wrong..."OH FUCKING WELL JORDAN"-"MOVE ON JORDAN"-"HAVE A TON OF ONE-NIGHT-STANDS JORDAN"-"GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM JORDAN"...these are all things i have heard...and these are all things i will do...so i'll take all of my love/hatred/bitterness and move on....This is the last entry i will ever write about me and Jake...... Sorry but its over...Sorry that i hurt you...Sorry that i will drown out all of my memories with the thoughts of others...Sorry that as i sit here this is the last time i cry for what i've lost...I'm sorry i will always love you.. In fact i will start now- It was wierd to see Berry at Mcdonalds today...Because it was me and Nick alone together i think i felt odd...but i look alot different with dark hair so i was thankful that he probably didn't recognize me.....Not that it matters...And by the way Nick the food was nasty!!But i had fun looking at the puppies with you!!And yes you can teach me how to play Halo!!! Header don't be mad...Doing naughty things is how i'm going to get over other things....Yes it is an old pattern..But i will remain sober always i promise...As proof that i am aware that i fucked up!!And thank you for helping me learn how to play pool!!I will kick your ass at it one of these days.... Zack don't be mad about the lie Linzi and I told you...You are my best friend..I would never intentionally hurt you...(UNLESS I DO THINGS I CAN'T REMEMBER)...But just for the record you now know how it feels !! Current Mood:  apatheticCurrent Music: 'Jem,'.....weird/awsome techno beats singing music, |
| 5:18 am |
Its about five in the morning i'm so tired i'm about to fall over....Daylon is asleep in Linzis bed w/Linzi...Header is sleeping on the floor and nick is passed out on the couch.....I am about to fall asleep on the bean bag chair......I really hate being the last to fall asleep...But when i used to drink i was always the first to go.... Header-Linzi-Daylon-Nick and I went to shoot pool at towers...Nick tought me how..It was cool...Header is in a very good mood!!!RARE OCCURENCE!!I LOVE YOU HEADER....We are soon going to be "friends"....Anyways i have to work tomorrow so i need to sleep.... Oh yeah and i'd like to give a great big shout out to Header and Linzi for the awsome conversation topic...NOTE THE FUCKING SARCASM.. Lets just never bring up the boy or that night again pppplllleeeeaaasseee...Actually nevermind i'm going to go have a cig with Header...Good Night.. Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: Blindside |
| Saturday, July 9th, 2005 |
| 4:54 pm |
I just got off of work......Long days are so tiering....But working a "mans job" and doing better than most of the guys is so rewarding....And holy shit my muscles are already ripping....Linzi i am burning the Stained cd for you....Actually my dad is...Its become the anthem for my life...I love feeling accomplished...I'm trying so hard to figure my life out...I have a job...AND I GET MY CAR THIS MONTH....I have an apartment with my name on the lease...I'm going back to college in seven weeks...I even find time to ride motocross on the weekends....I'M GOING TO WASHOUGAL IN TWO AND A HALF WEEKS!!!!....I have awsome friends...Zack called me five minute after he got back from the beach house......I guess i have it all figured out...somewhat.......I guess my life is pretty damn near perfect....So why do i feel so empty?........ .I told my dad all about that fateful weekend...He got kinnda mad at me because he liked Jake...I went "Yeah I fucked up"...And my Dad goes "(WITH THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE) "Yeah Jordan you really fucked up" My dad is the only man i trust...Hes the only person whose pre-lived my life....Except that ends now...My dad knows everything about me....Hes the one person who tells me straight up that my life is a shithole and i tell him i can't live without him....I'm so scared the treatment won't work....Hes the only man i need in my life.....He's what i'm looking for in a guy...But i am sooo not looking....I got to go cash my check Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: Staind..... |
| Thursday, July 7th, 2005 |
| 2:03 pm |
Jaymies pregnant(yes my stupid mentally younger sister)...Daylon told me about tony...then my mother called to tell me he is all over the news..(He killed my sisters uncle)..Stuff is dissapearing from my house...I have a feeling it is Kevin...The same guy who was jealous of Jake and Ryan...So whatever is up with Mc Donalds i really have no idea....If someone would clarify because i havn't even been near that place for a looong time...and certainly don't relay messages through Mcdonalds...(I have Header and Linzi if i really needed to relay a message)...... DAYLON STOP FUCKING CALLING ME...I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU...GET THE PICTURE!!!!!GOD GO FUCKING O.D. ALREADY... Zach because i know you read this i am going to say it loud and clear....Take care of her and your baby..because i know i am not ready to be what Jaymie needs me to be...The baby is not my responsability..I don't want to go in this circle anymore.....AND DON'T CALL ME...its not ny fault that you don't understand the consept of a condom...... Current Mood: Shitty |
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